Hi Alexei, I was just thinking about how your day might be going.
[It always fills Abel with a tingly excitement when he sees Cain message him out of the blue-- though that mood drops when he sees the second half. Oh. Right.]
[Abel leans back on the sofa and stares at the ceiling. He's not in a good place right now, all he can think about is the feeling of how broken he'd felt in that moment when Phobos and Deimos had left him to pick up the pieces of his life. They did that to hurt him, no other reason, and it worked. It destroyed him.]
[But clearly Cain wants to be friends with Deimos for some godforsaken reason, so Abel has to take that into account too. There's a direction that Cain probably wants this to go in, and Abel has to be open to that, somehow.]
Well the last time I saw him, he led me at knifepoint to the worst conversation I've had in my entire life. So it's not very positive if you want me to be honest.
Do we have to have this conversation over text?
[He's curling up on the couch as he relives that moment. He'll never forget Phobos' words, the tone, how even after he'd delivered what was ostensibly the killing blow he still had to keep kicking.]
[And they shouldn't have it over text, Cain only wanted to check in. Abel sounds worse than he expected, but... maybe he should have been prepared for that. It's not an easy topic to discuss.]
[They haven't discussed it yet, but Cain harbors some concern for Abel remaining cooped up at home. He knows he's keeping busy; it doesn't dissuade anything because he knows how Abel strives to apply himself to projects. The Alliance gave him purpose. While Cain is content to work a decent-paying construction job while participating in limited outside activities related to the Displaced, he suspects Abel needs to be more applied. Or something. Maybe he's making too many assumptions.
Right now, one thing at a time. Deimos' original message to him came while he was out picking a few things up from the store -- he's fortunate to be on his way home when he reached out to Abel. Armful of groceries in a reusable bag, Cain carries them up the lift and shoulders his way through the front door once it unlocks.] Hey, I'm back.
[The load is deposited on the counter, where he begins to unpack its array of contents: vegetables, soup stock, some fruit, other staples he can use for cooking later.]
Welcome home. [It's a little more distracted than usual, but Abel's on the couch staring at the ceiling when Cain walks in. He gestures to save and close his work-- he wasn't getting anywhere anyway-- and gets up to start helping with the groceries.]
I'm trying to be. [He opens the fridge to put the vegetables away and ends up staring into it.] You weren't there, Alexei, what he and Phobos did was out of cruelty, not concern. It's hard to just not be angry about that anymore.
I know. I'm not saying it wasn't. And I'm just as much at fault, should've told you sooner so you didn't have to hear it that way.
[He got scared, backed out of every opportunity to come clean and ran away instead.]
Look, Deimos and I still need to... talk shit out too. Dunno all of what's going through his head now, but I understand why he did it. [Cruelty, not concern. That's true. But Deimos' actions seem to Cain like they were manipulated by Phobos on a flare of vulnerable emotion more than anything.
He steps over, gently reaches past Abel to close the fridge.] I was an asshole to him. You know? Made him do what I wanted him to do, made him follow you around just 'cause he was willing to do it and I never asked why. I didn't really care. [The confrontation they'd shared in the corridor where Deimos had looked at him that last time and said no is still a fresh memory.] How would you feel if you liked someone who just used you, pushed you around, and then you found out they wanted to be with some other person instead? Even after you did all their dirty work for them?
[Moral of the story: Cain's the villain here, at least in his own opinion.]
Phobos took advantage of Deimos when he wasn't in a good state of mind. Not saying he isn't responsible at all, and he'd better apologize to you for being a dick, but if you wanna blame anyone you should blame me and Phobos. [He stands still, speaking genuinely.] We both manipulated him.
[Given the last thing Deimos had said to Abel, that Cain wasn't worth it, that he was a liar, Abel isn't shocked at this revelation. He'd realized after the fact that something must have happened to push Deimos out of Cain's camp, to make him angry enough to act on what Phobos knew. In the moment he was too hurt to care what Deimos was feeling, and maybe he still feels that way. He's not convinced that Deimos had no control over what he chose to do, that it was entirely Phobos and Cain's fault.]
No, that wasn't right of you to use him like that, but Alexei-- the only reason I can move past what you did is that it was your life on the line. What did Deimos have to lose by just... walking away and letting things play out some other way? Phobos isn't here to defend himself, but I highly doubt that Deimos respected him enough to realign his priorities without there being some incentive for him.
Do you know how many times I realized someone would never reciprocate my feelings for them despite trying so hard to help and prioritize them? Do you know how many times my response was to go off and hurt the people involved, because that would make me feel better? [Rhetorical questions, of course, because Abel was Abel and he did what he considered to be the normal thing: cry for a while, reorganize his life to avoid the person as much as possible with no explanation, and move on. Revenge wasn't in his vocabulary.]
[Abel folds his arms and leans against the fridge, eyebrows knit.] No, you don't get to take the blame for this, he could have said no at any point, he knew what he was doing when he brought me to Phobos. And when they were done, he told me you were a liar and you weren't worth it. He kicked me when I was already down. [Abel takes a moment to swallow and attempt to steady his voice, but bringing this all back out loud hurts more than it had just thinking about it by himself.] So did you tell him to say that? You think Phobos cared? He knew it would hurt me, he knew and he still did it. Nobody held his hand and told him it was the right thing to do, he made that choice.
[It's a lot to respond to, but he waits for Abel to finish speaking before he tries to put something together. Steps and eases his weight onto the counter instead, a small hop up, now that all the groceries have been tucked away.]
I never said he didn't make the wrong decision. It was a mistake, Ethan. Made plenty of 'em myself, plenty of shit I regret. Said awful things about other people.
[He makes deliberate eye contact at that. Abel would know firsthand, given their conversation a handful of days ago, during the Halloween celebrations.]
To hurt them, to make 'em angry, whatever. Everyone's different. Never been in Deimos' position before, but if I was... [Cain's dark eyes turn down to study the distance between his boots and the floor.] I am a liar. I lied to you the whole time. And maybe I'm still not worth it, but you forgave me. I don't wanna be that person I used to be anymore. Deimos is from the same place as me, we -- just learned a different way of dealing with our problems.
[A sigh, Cain's hand lifting to rub his forehead.] He saved my life, Ethan. In the hangar. I still got shot, but I'd be dead for sure if it wasn't for him.
[Abel reaches out and knocks his knuckles against Cain's knee, disapproving of his assessment that he might still not be worth it. Plenty was said during that conversation, but the idea that Cain wasn't 'worth' crying over had ostensibly hurt the most. Deimos couldn't have known, of course, that Abel had found so much of himself with Cain. The idea that he had assigned so much meaning to something while everyone else had known it was just sex, only a passing fancy, not worth the emotion Abel had poured into it-- it was gutting. It would have been kinder to tell Abel to go over the railing because his entire life was a farce, at least that would have acknowledged the depth of Abel's pain.]
I just need you to understand that when I'm hurt, it's not always because you did something wrong. You can't take responsibility for everything around me, Alexei, you'll go insane. Knowing who to blame doesn't fix it, sometimes I just need to be comforted.
[The last part is news to him, though. He'd gone up the ladder first, hadn't seen exactly why the guards had stopped shooting at them, hadn't even seen Cain get shot. Abel frowns.] What do you mean? What did he do?
[At the touch and the indication of those words, he nods his head. Abel is right. He's making this more about himself than Abel's feelings on the situation, primarily because he's carrying so much guilt around the situation. He wonders if he's ever going to be able to let that go.]
Sorry. Yeah. Guess I'm just used to blaming someone.
[Himself, his sister, the cops, the Alliance at large -- the list is endless. But sometimes it isn't anyone's fault how the circumstances end up playing out.]
He was behind us in the hangar, maybe he followed us there. We were trying to get to the Reliant, you were in front of me, and... [He shrugs.] Two other soldiers saw us. One of 'em got me in the stomach. They were about to keep shooting, but Deimos got their attention off us. They arrested him after. That's what he told me.
In this case you're too used to blaming yourself. [Abel leaves the fridge and scoots up in between Cain's knees. He's looking up into his Fighter's face, but Abel doesn't mind-- he can still cup Cain's cheek and initiate the link. Abel is still pained by the bad memory, but he's not running as hot and angry anymore. He's coming around.] We all know he made a mistake. I just want to know that he understands how much it hurt. He probably thinks he was breaking up some wartime infatuation not...
[Not taking a baseball bat to Abel's entire psyche.]
[Abel takes another deep breath and lets it out, trying to let the anger out too.] He probably saved my life then, too. [He wraps his arms around Cain's waist and contemplates his sternum, clearly thinking and doing some mental pushing of his own.] I don't hate him. I didn't even before you told me this, but I didn't want to talk to him like none of this happened. I wanted it to just disappear. But maybe I owe it to him to try harder.
You're allowed to be angry. Take your time, talk to him whenever you want.
[With Abel this close, blue light shared between them in flickers of empathy, he squeezes his knees to keep him tucked in. One hand cups the back of his head to pull him in nearer and ruffle blond hair. He lays a brief kiss on Abel's temple.]
He also, uh... I guess he kinda helped me realize I even had - feelings? [Awkward, stilted, a little embarrassed to admit. Cain presses his cheek against the side of Abel's head. It's easier to admit when he's not facing Abel, of the two of them he's also lagged behind that ability to speak openly about the depth of his affection.] We fought. He confronted me about you and called me a liar to my face. Said it was obvious that I was into you, but I just denied it. Really didn't like hearing him say it 'cause it meant I hadn't been able to keep my distance from you.
[He can be stubborn in the face of denial.]
That was right before we played that game in the storage bay.
I don't like being angry, it's exhausting. [Abel smiles faintly and curls a hand around the back of Cain's neck, trying to keep him in this strange embrace like Cain has with his knees.]
[But as much as he doesn't want to be angry, he is a little annoyed that the reasons for Abel to be indebted to Deimos do seem to be piling up. He does feel the need to work through his feelings and everything Cain is saying looks like a shortcut. It would be easier, Cain would probably feel better if Abel just agreed and said everything was fine now, they could all live in relative ease. He could make it better for the two of them-- at the cost of how he felt. Was that so terrible, though? That's what he always wants, to protect everyone.]
And you told me your name. [Abel closes his eyes and rubs his thumb against Cain's neck, trying to will himself to see all of the good that Deimos has done for them. What's the point in being hurt?]
Did you decide to do that because of what he said, then? Seems counter-intuitive...
[A huff - breathy, almost a laugh - and Cain finally slides off the counter, which puts the front of their bodies in contact. He gives Abel a proper squeeze of an embrace this way and then begins to steer them toward the couch, if he's willing to be moved away from the kitchen.]
I got caught up in the memory and forgot where we were. That's how I felt around you a lot of the time, though. Distracted, somewhere else, safe. Let my guard down again.
[Abel lets himself be squeezed and steered, though he grabs a bag of almonds on the way out of the kitchen. He's a little peckish.]
[He settles down on the couch, lounging on one side to leave room for Cain. He still doesn't take up space like he lives there, but he really wasn't like that on Earth either.]
I felt like we'd actually connected that day. You didn't do such a terrible job of keeping that distance, from my point of view. I wanted you to open up to me more than anything. [Abel looks at the bag, suddenly not as interested in eating, and sets it on the table.] I guess... I'm glad I made you feel safe, at least.
[It's not much comfort when Abel had been longing to bridge what he perceived to be a gap between them that only grew as the days went by. He'd wondered if he'd said something wrong, if he wasn't doing something right, if this was just how it was supposed to be, he'd even considered that maybe he needed to brush his teeth three times a day instead of just twice. But what Deimos had apparently seen immediately was totally invisible to Abel. It's frustrating, it's depressing to remember.]
[He reaches out for Cain's hand, just to hold it while he sorts his thoughts.]
[Abel is lingering, drawn up into the cage of his mind in his thoughts, almonds abandoned as he sits to one side of the couch. It hurts him a little to see. He's always dealt with emotions in quick bursts and flares -- let it all out at once, vent, shake it off like a dog and move on. It takes effort to linger with Abel, but he wants to do a good job at this.
Seating himself close while yielding Abel a fair portion of the cushions still, he crosses both arms over his knees and leans his chin into one open hand. The other reaches for the hold, fingers threading together.]
You really did. It's something I never really got back home. Nowhere was safe for long.
[At least in those later years, when it felt like his life had lost direction, when he'd found himself embedded in the same systematic pattern that so many other colonists like him got trapped in.]
[The longer they work through this, the more Abel envies the person he used to be when he was ignorant of Project Thebes. He trusted, he focused his thought on their mission, he embraced a life of feeling more than thinking when he was around Cain and now? Now he knows how intense his emotions are, and he's always analyzing them. The blind trust of what he's feeling has been replaced by overthinking and analysis, especially where Cain is concerned. And he never wants Cain to doubt that Abel is happy, or wonder if he's done something wrong. Everything is still relatively fresh, and having conversations like this doesn't help Abel push those negative feelings away. But it's where they started, this would always be their history, Abel had to get used to it.]
I hate remembering all of this. Even if he saved us, and showed you your own feelings, even if I know that nobody is perfect and we all could have been spared this if Bering and Cook had just refused to oversee the project, even if it's what brought us together in the end... remembering it all is different now. I remember feeling excited and thrilled, but it just seems so sad now. I don't know what to feel about most of what happened anymore. That time in the cargo hold when I found your bandage, I could have pressed you about it. When you insisted we sleep on the floor together. Sitting next to me at lunch.
And now I thought I couldn't possibly be wrong about what happened with Deimos and. [He shrugs and runs a hand over his face.] I know what everyone else knew for so long, but somehow it's just confused everything even more. That shouldn't be the case.
[When this began, he knew it wouldn't be easy. They spoke of that. It's going to be a challenge to build a relationship together with the lingering background of that lie, coloring their interactions and their past history, but Cain doesn't intend to give up just because it's hard. What he hopes is that with time and a foundation of trust, Abel won't have to suffer these thoughts and worries.]
I know. [A gentle tug of their joined hands and he's trying to pull Abel closer to him, to lean their bodies together.] Can't really change what we did, though. Or what happened.
[They were shitty circumstances. He regrets it, but he doesn't necessarily regret accepting the deal to get out of prison, because it's what led them together.]
We can just... keep talking about it. I'll listen.
I know. [Abel goes easily into Cain, as though he was waiting for the invitation. His free hand rests on Cain's shoulder and he lays his head on the other one.]
And while I wish things had been different, they are what they are. I know that. And the more I talk the more I retread everything. I think I just... want you to hold me? And tell me it's real?
[That's something he can do, easily, even as it tugs a familiar thread of warm emotion in his chest. There's so much in this world he's realizing he wants to hang onto tooth and nail, so many people who have impacted him in such a short period of time. He can't imagine a life outside this one now. He's tried, but where would he be? What would he become? Left to prison on the colonies, left to fester, to do someone else's dirty work as a pawn in the system yet again. There was no happy ending back there to be had. It was rigged against him from the start.
And now Abel, back here in his arms, hurting but real and solid and whole. Wanting to be here, asking to be held -- Cain has to let out a shaky breath to steady himself as his arms open up and pull Abel into the circle of an abrupt embrace.
It's not a loose hold. He practically hauls Abel across his lap with elbows hooked around that narrow waist, crushing Abel into his chest and obscuring the flare of blue light so familiar now.]
It's real, Ethan. I mean it. I'll say it over and over, every day, I'll wake you up with it if you want. It's real, I'm real, and I want you here. You're not getting away from me ever again if I got something to say about it.
[It's fortunate that this isn't the first time he's been dragged into Cain's lap, so Abel knows where to steer his knees and shift his weight so the slide is anything but awkward. He is hurting, and in the past when he's been hurt all he's had was himself and his thoughts. It was his problem to work out, every time. But that's not the case anymore, and he can ask for something else now-- just simple reassurance that everything is okay, that the hard part is behind them and they're together now. Cain is so good at that. He can't cut the Gordian knots Abel puts himself in, Abel can barely do that himself, but there is that steady trust and physical warmth that he feels whenever they're together. Sometimes the solution is not to obsess over the knot, but to set it aside for a while and let it loosen on its own.]
[Abel makes a few surprised noises as Cain squeezes him and doesn't let go, and they eventually shift into quiet laughter as Abel combs his fingers through Cain's hair.]
I wouldn't mind waking up like that. [Dozens of wonderful memories of Cain waking him up and affirming their relationship-- the thought makes him eager to start.] You're not getting away from me either. Even if we didn't have the best start, you're worth all of it. Every morning, every kiss, every back-breaking hug and moment we spend linked-- [He grins and kisses Cain's forehead.] --they outweigh every minute I spend remembering the Sleipnir, and they'll push it completely out of my mind soon enough. I can feel it happening.
[The fingers through his hair are nice, dragging gently over his scalp, Cain's head tilting into the movement. The kiss coaxes eyes closed. Their emotions tethered together like this communicate everything, and he can feel the shards of Abel's hurt as real as though it was his own, determined to soothe it away if it means distraction and affection for now. It won't vanish overnight.]
Missed you today.
[While away at work and grocery shopping, his thoughts track back to Abel without fail. Dizzying to think there's always this at the end of a long day, Abel within grasp. Nothing hidden. Cain angles his chin and presses a realer kiss over Abel's mouth. Actions are often more concrete than words for him. Arms remain fastened around Abel's waist, keeping them close.]
Deimos said he'd be coming back soon, he's staying in Giovanni's room. We'll have to be a little quieter, huh?
[All he does is look at code and the walls. In a way, it's probably made things worse-- too much time alone with his thoughts. Maybe if he found something to do with himself, he'd feel a little less prone to these mental knots. He could come home to Cain and feel like he's accomplished something.]
[He meets Cain for the kiss, resting his arms over Cain's shoulders and looking into his dark, soft eyes with endless fondness.] It wouldn't be kind if we didn't try. [...and then there's that little spark.]
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[It always fills Abel with a tingly excitement when he sees Cain message him out of the blue-- though that mood drops when he sees the second half. Oh. Right.]
What's there to talk about?
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him being around, i mean
[See, he's getting better at this.]
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[But clearly Cain wants to be friends with Deimos for some godforsaken reason, so Abel has to take that into account too. There's a direction that Cain probably wants this to go in, and Abel has to be open to that, somehow.]
Well the last time I saw him, he led me at knifepoint to the worst conversation I've had in my entire life. So it's not very positive if you want me to be honest.
Do we have to have this conversation over text?
[He's curling up on the couch as he relives that moment. He'll never forget Phobos' words, the tone, how even after he'd delivered what was ostensibly the killing blow he still had to keep kicking.]
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you at home? i can come to you
[And they shouldn't have it over text, Cain only wanted to check in. Abel sounds worse than he expected, but... maybe he should have been prepared for that. It's not an easy topic to discuss.]
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Right now, one thing at a time. Deimos' original message to him came while he was out picking a few things up from the store -- he's fortunate to be on his way home when he reached out to Abel. Armful of groceries in a reusable bag, Cain carries them up the lift and shoulders his way through the front door once it unlocks.] Hey, I'm back.
[The load is deposited on the counter, where he begins to unpack its array of contents: vegetables, soup stock, some fruit, other staples he can use for cooking later.]
You okay?
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I'm trying to be. [He opens the fridge to put the vegetables away and ends up staring into it.] You weren't there, Alexei, what he and Phobos did was out of cruelty, not concern. It's hard to just not be angry about that anymore.
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[He got scared, backed out of every opportunity to come clean and ran away instead.]
Look, Deimos and I still need to... talk shit out too. Dunno all of what's going through his head now, but I understand why he did it. [Cruelty, not concern. That's true. But Deimos' actions seem to Cain like they were manipulated by Phobos on a flare of vulnerable emotion more than anything.
He steps over, gently reaches past Abel to close the fridge.] I was an asshole to him. You know? Made him do what I wanted him to do, made him follow you around just 'cause he was willing to do it and I never asked why. I didn't really care. [The confrontation they'd shared in the corridor where Deimos had looked at him that last time and said no is still a fresh memory.] How would you feel if you liked someone who just used you, pushed you around, and then you found out they wanted to be with some other person instead? Even after you did all their dirty work for them?
[Moral of the story: Cain's the villain here, at least in his own opinion.]
Phobos took advantage of Deimos when he wasn't in a good state of mind. Not saying he isn't responsible at all, and he'd better apologize to you for being a dick, but if you wanna blame anyone you should blame me and Phobos. [He stands still, speaking genuinely.] We both manipulated him.
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No, that wasn't right of you to use him like that, but Alexei-- the only reason I can move past what you did is that it was your life on the line. What did Deimos have to lose by just... walking away and letting things play out some other way? Phobos isn't here to defend himself, but I highly doubt that Deimos respected him enough to realign his priorities without there being some incentive for him.
Do you know how many times I realized someone would never reciprocate my feelings for them despite trying so hard to help and prioritize them? Do you know how many times my response was to go off and hurt the people involved, because that would make me feel better? [Rhetorical questions, of course, because Abel was Abel and he did what he considered to be the normal thing: cry for a while, reorganize his life to avoid the person as much as possible with no explanation, and move on. Revenge wasn't in his vocabulary.]
[Abel folds his arms and leans against the fridge, eyebrows knit.] No, you don't get to take the blame for this, he could have said no at any point, he knew what he was doing when he brought me to Phobos. And when they were done, he told me you were a liar and you weren't worth it. He kicked me when I was already down. [Abel takes a moment to swallow and attempt to steady his voice, but bringing this all back out loud hurts more than it had just thinking about it by himself.] So did you tell him to say that? You think Phobos cared? He knew it would hurt me, he knew and he still did it. Nobody held his hand and told him it was the right thing to do, he made that choice.
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I never said he didn't make the wrong decision. It was a mistake, Ethan. Made plenty of 'em myself, plenty of shit I regret. Said awful things about other people.
[He makes deliberate eye contact at that. Abel would know firsthand, given their conversation a handful of days ago, during the Halloween celebrations.]
To hurt them, to make 'em angry, whatever. Everyone's different. Never been in Deimos' position before, but if I was... [Cain's dark eyes turn down to study the distance between his boots and the floor.] I am a liar. I lied to you the whole time. And maybe I'm still not worth it, but you forgave me. I don't wanna be that person I used to be anymore. Deimos is from the same place as me, we -- just learned a different way of dealing with our problems.
[A sigh, Cain's hand lifting to rub his forehead.] He saved my life, Ethan. In the hangar. I still got shot, but I'd be dead for sure if it wasn't for him.
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I just need you to understand that when I'm hurt, it's not always because you did something wrong. You can't take responsibility for everything around me, Alexei, you'll go insane. Knowing who to blame doesn't fix it, sometimes I just need to be comforted.
[The last part is news to him, though. He'd gone up the ladder first, hadn't seen exactly why the guards had stopped shooting at them, hadn't even seen Cain get shot. Abel frowns.] What do you mean? What did he do?
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Sorry. Yeah. Guess I'm just used to blaming someone.
[Himself, his sister, the cops, the Alliance at large -- the list is endless. But sometimes it isn't anyone's fault how the circumstances end up playing out.]
He was behind us in the hangar, maybe he followed us there. We were trying to get to the Reliant, you were in front of me, and... [He shrugs.] Two other soldiers saw us. One of 'em got me in the stomach. They were about to keep shooting, but Deimos got their attention off us. They arrested him after. That's what he told me.
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[Not taking a baseball bat to Abel's entire psyche.]
[Abel takes another deep breath and lets it out, trying to let the anger out too.] He probably saved my life then, too. [He wraps his arms around Cain's waist and contemplates his sternum, clearly thinking and doing some mental pushing of his own.] I don't hate him. I didn't even before you told me this, but I didn't want to talk to him like none of this happened. I wanted it to just disappear. But maybe I owe it to him to try harder.
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[With Abel this close, blue light shared between them in flickers of empathy, he squeezes his knees to keep him tucked in. One hand cups the back of his head to pull him in nearer and ruffle blond hair. He lays a brief kiss on Abel's temple.]
He also, uh... I guess he kinda helped me realize I even had - feelings? [Awkward, stilted, a little embarrassed to admit. Cain presses his cheek against the side of Abel's head. It's easier to admit when he's not facing Abel, of the two of them he's also lagged behind that ability to speak openly about the depth of his affection.] We fought. He confronted me about you and called me a liar to my face. Said it was obvious that I was into you, but I just denied it. Really didn't like hearing him say it 'cause it meant I hadn't been able to keep my distance from you.
[He can be stubborn in the face of denial.]
That was right before we played that game in the storage bay.
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[But as much as he doesn't want to be angry, he is a little annoyed that the reasons for Abel to be indebted to Deimos do seem to be piling up. He does feel the need to work through his feelings and everything Cain is saying looks like a shortcut. It would be easier, Cain would probably feel better if Abel just agreed and said everything was fine now, they could all live in relative ease. He could make it better for the two of them-- at the cost of how he felt. Was that so terrible, though? That's what he always wants, to protect everyone.]
And you told me your name. [Abel closes his eyes and rubs his thumb against Cain's neck, trying to will himself to see all of the good that Deimos has done for them. What's the point in being hurt?]
Did you decide to do that because of what he said, then? Seems counter-intuitive...
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[A huff - breathy, almost a laugh - and Cain finally slides off the counter, which puts the front of their bodies in contact. He gives Abel a proper squeeze of an embrace this way and then begins to steer them toward the couch, if he's willing to be moved away from the kitchen.]
I got caught up in the memory and forgot where we were. That's how I felt around you a lot of the time, though. Distracted, somewhere else, safe. Let my guard down again.
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[He settles down on the couch, lounging on one side to leave room for Cain. He still doesn't take up space like he lives there, but he really wasn't like that on Earth either.]
I felt like we'd actually connected that day. You didn't do such a terrible job of keeping that distance, from my point of view. I wanted you to open up to me more than anything. [Abel looks at the bag, suddenly not as interested in eating, and sets it on the table.] I guess... I'm glad I made you feel safe, at least.
[It's not much comfort when Abel had been longing to bridge what he perceived to be a gap between them that only grew as the days went by. He'd wondered if he'd said something wrong, if he wasn't doing something right, if this was just how it was supposed to be, he'd even considered that maybe he needed to brush his teeth three times a day instead of just twice. But what Deimos had apparently seen immediately was totally invisible to Abel. It's frustrating, it's depressing to remember.]
[He reaches out for Cain's hand, just to hold it while he sorts his thoughts.]
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Seating himself close while yielding Abel a fair portion of the cushions still, he crosses both arms over his knees and leans his chin into one open hand. The other reaches for the hold, fingers threading together.]
You really did. It's something I never really got back home. Nowhere was safe for long.
[At least in those later years, when it felt like his life had lost direction, when he'd found himself embedded in the same systematic pattern that so many other colonists like him got trapped in.]
Are you okay?
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I hate remembering all of this. Even if he saved us, and showed you your own feelings, even if I know that nobody is perfect and we all could have been spared this if Bering and Cook had just refused to oversee the project, even if it's what brought us together in the end... remembering it all is different now. I remember feeling excited and thrilled, but it just seems so sad now. I don't know what to feel about most of what happened anymore. That time in the cargo hold when I found your bandage, I could have pressed you about it. When you insisted we sleep on the floor together. Sitting next to me at lunch.
And now I thought I couldn't possibly be wrong about what happened with Deimos and. [He shrugs and runs a hand over his face.] I know what everyone else knew for so long, but somehow it's just confused everything even more. That shouldn't be the case.
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I know. [A gentle tug of their joined hands and he's trying to pull Abel closer to him, to lean their bodies together.] Can't really change what we did, though. Or what happened.
[They were shitty circumstances. He regrets it, but he doesn't necessarily regret accepting the deal to get out of prison, because it's what led them together.]
We can just... keep talking about it. I'll listen.
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And while I wish things had been different, they are what they are. I know that. And the more I talk the more I retread everything. I think I just... want you to hold me? And tell me it's real?
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And now Abel, back here in his arms, hurting but real and solid and whole. Wanting to be here, asking to be held -- Cain has to let out a shaky breath to steady himself as his arms open up and pull Abel into the circle of an abrupt embrace.
It's not a loose hold. He practically hauls Abel across his lap with elbows hooked around that narrow waist, crushing Abel into his chest and obscuring the flare of blue light so familiar now.]
It's real, Ethan. I mean it. I'll say it over and over, every day, I'll wake you up with it if you want. It's real, I'm real, and I want you here. You're not getting away from me ever again if I got something to say about it.
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[Abel makes a few surprised noises as Cain squeezes him and doesn't let go, and they eventually shift into quiet laughter as Abel combs his fingers through Cain's hair.]
I wouldn't mind waking up like that. [Dozens of wonderful memories of Cain waking him up and affirming their relationship-- the thought makes him eager to start.] You're not getting away from me either. Even if we didn't have the best start, you're worth all of it. Every morning, every kiss, every back-breaking hug and moment we spend linked-- [He grins and kisses Cain's forehead.] --they outweigh every minute I spend remembering the Sleipnir, and they'll push it completely out of my mind soon enough. I can feel it happening.
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Missed you today.
[While away at work and grocery shopping, his thoughts track back to Abel without fail. Dizzying to think there's always this at the end of a long day, Abel within grasp. Nothing hidden. Cain angles his chin and presses a realer kiss over Abel's mouth. Actions are often more concrete than words for him. Arms remain fastened around Abel's waist, keeping them close.]
Deimos said he'd be coming back soon, he's staying in Giovanni's room. We'll have to be a little quieter, huh?
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[All he does is look at code and the walls. In a way, it's probably made things worse-- too much time alone with his thoughts. Maybe if he found something to do with himself, he'd feel a little less prone to these mental knots. He could come home to Cain and feel like he's accomplished something.]
[He meets Cain for the kiss, resting his arms over Cain's shoulders and looking into his dark, soft eyes with endless fondness.] It wouldn't be kind if we didn't try. [...and then there's that little spark.]
But he's not back yet, is he?
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cw nsfw probably from here on
Mark your bingo cards
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